Revolution #51, June 18, 2006

ASK GOD!

MARRIAGE AND FAMILY AS THE LORD TRULY MEANT IT!

Lots of fundamentalist authors and preachers claim they are basing themselves on God’s teaching when they provide advice on how to lead the “purpose driven life” or “focus on the family” in the way God intended. But, now, for the first time ever, Revolution newspaper brings you the ultimate advice on romance, marriage, and family straight from God himself! ASK GOD! MARRIAGE AND FAMILY AS THE LORD TRULY MEANT IT!

Yes, whatever your question, whatever your problem, this advice will provide an answer that is not only tradition-rooted and scripturally sound, but guaranteed to preserve our society against the onslaught of the homosexual agenda threatening the very fabric of these time honored biblical traditions that have shaped what our dear president calls “the most fundamental institution of civilization”—marriage between men and women.

Here, the Lord tells it like it is for men by using real examples based on the true stories of our biblical patriarchs and their love and sexual problems with their wives, daughters, concubines, slave women, and others.

So, as a service to our biblical-literalist readers, we present:

ASK GOD! MARRIAGE AND FAMILY AS THE LORD TRULY MEANT IT!

Dear God,
My cousin has been stationed overseas for the last decade. He’s single and not sure the proper scriptural way to develop relationships and marry when most women are of a different faith. Do you have any suggestions?
Seeking an Answer

Dear Seeking,
Lucky for you, my servant Moses had an answer to this problem. In defeating the idol-worshipping Midianites in battle, Moses—on my orders of course—not only “killed every man” but carried out my demands to “kill all the boys. And kill every woman who has slept with a man.” For a reward, Moses ordered the Israelite soldiers to “save for yourselves every girl who has never slept with a man,” which came to about 16,000 new wives. Worked back then, will work today—provided we don’t let the homosexual agenda subvert these traditions! (Numbers 31)

Dear God,
I am concerned that the homosexual agenda will make it difficult to establish a clear biblical-based father role model for my children. Do you have any advice?
Confused in Boise

Dear Confused,
Of all Bible role models, Lot is one of my favorites. When a sex-crazed mob in Sodom demanded he hand over two of my visiting angels, Lot showed his family how a truly gracious host would respond. He told the men, “Look, I have two virgin daughters. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do with them as you wish. But please, leave these men alone, for they are my guests and are under my protection.” Truly Lot was a “good” and “righteous man” and a great dad to boot! (Genesis 19, 2 Peter 2:7-8)

Dear God,
I live in a real small town with just a few big families, mine including. I’m concerned that my older son will not likely meet someone he can marry and give us lots of grandchildren. What should we tell him?
Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned,
Does he have a sister? Just listen to my servant Abraham. He already knew Sarah, who “really is my sister, for we both have the same father, but different mothers. And I married her.” You have a big family—tell him to just do as the Bible instructs and get busy multiplying. (Genesis 20:12)

Dear God,
My best friend and his wife each have jobs that demand a lot of their time. I’m concerned that their difficulty in arranging “intimate” time with each other may be putting a serious strain on their marriage. What biblical examples can I discuss with them that might help them with their dilemma?
True Blue Friend

Dear True,
Two words. Time management. If my anointed King Solomon could manage to have those “special moments” with each of his “seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines,” I’m sure a little bit of creative scheduling will do the trick for your friend and his missus. All things are possible as long as marriage remains a sacred bond between a man and woman, or a multitude of women in Solomon’s case. (Kings I: 11:3)

There you have it—advice that has not only stood the test of time, but really works! So don’t spend another second wondering if you should marry your half sister or turn your virgin daughters over to a crazed mob of rapists who want to rape your male guests. Just ASK GOD! And He’ll tell you JUST what to do!

Note: The Bible quotes used on this page are from the New Living Translation version.

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